My costume is finished!

I’m Bjork when she wore that dead swan dress to the Oscars a few years ago. Now all I need is a baby to carry around with me and I’ll punch anyone who tries to take a picture of me.

this is almost too embarassing to share but it also makes me laugh like a maniac in my head. i was on my friend’s roof the other nite to enjoy some fresh air which unintentionally turned into us “playing Rear Window”. we noticed that there was a quiet party in one of the windows directly across and in a half drawn shaded window next door, 2 sets of extremely large bare calves in athletic ankle socks were pacing around the floor closely, possibly about to get down. lights out, no action. we kept talking about how these were the biggest calves we’d ever seen and tried to figure out which ones belonged to a man or a woman, or whether they were same-sex calves. i proceed to take pictures of a few buildings because the lighting is ethereal at that hour in cameraland.

anyway, the next day i take a look at the pictures and in one of them, something seems a little off.

i’m getting a weird vibe looking at it. i zoom in closer, and oh my god! i think there is a guy in there.

and oh my god, he’s staring right at me. looking all retired porno actor in a robe with nothing underneath? could it be? this dude is MY personal Raymond Burr. and it was around 1:30am so it seemed a majority of the neighbors were asleep. seemed.

haha! just when you think you’re alone, there is a naked dude in a robe quietly staring at you.

i lost my favorite dress in a tacky hotel in seedy downtown las vegas. at least my last few moments with her were meaningful.

i am on a losing streak when it comes to rentals this week. first this boring and predictable thriller called Fracture and then this sci-fi dystopian action flick called Equilibrium.

(8:25:56 AM) audrey: i watched equilibrium last night, that movie was mega corny
(8:26:09 AM) audrey: last time i listen to you
(10:40:45 AM) woo: i didnt say it was classic
(10:46:12 AM) audrey: That part where Christian Bale risks his life to save a puppy because it licked his face is so corny
(10:46:33 AM) audrey: You just like movies where puppies are protected by futuristic machine gun toting martial arts freaks
(11:03:20 AM) woo: maybe true
(11:06:05 AM) woo: watch big rig
(11:06:10 AM) audrey: NO
(11:06:13 AM) woo: yes
(11:06:14 AM) audrey: i’m not listening to you anymore
(11:06:19 AM) woo: shut your face
(11:07:02 AM) woo: you would have watched equilibrium eventually anyway
(11:07:15 AM) audrey: no i wouldn’t, it got lousy reviews
(11:07:15 AM) woo: you wish christian bale would come to your house and yell at you

it’s sunday morning and i’m doing what i do every sunday morning - drinking coffee at my computer while browsing the interweb and listening to albums i haven’t played in a while before heading out to breakfast. my internal alarm clock goes off at 8am no matter what. not complaining, i love being an early riser cause no one is up when i am.

anyway, i need a late pass because i just discovered this site Passive Aggressive Notes which is a site where people submit hilarious hostile notes people leave. i’m cracking up reading some of these to the Black Caesar soundtrack. In the 10 years of shared housing experience i have, i am lucky i have never had to deal with a roommate who left notes.

sorry for the language, but it’s the only way i can describe this scene from nick cage’s latest movie, Bangkok Dangerous (shouldn’t it be called Bangkok IS Dangerous?)

first cage beats up women and terrorizes kids in the wicker man remake and now he’s in a movie where he beats up and severs asians. i wonder what he is going to beat up in his next movie. it’s probably going to be sea otters or something random. he’s running out of things to beat up.

young and mike both randomly sent me a link to this guy’s loteria style illustrations this week. they are fun and funny

Lydia, Brandon and I are going to cash in on this recession and make an escapist game called Virtual Baller for the Wii. for the bonus round after each level ends, you have to strut into the clurb and make it rain with your wii remotes. we also decided there could be different levels of balling such as a gambling high roller to thuggy rap mogul who starts his own telecommunications company. brandon suggested a hipster baller role where $20 could take you a long way. i wish i knew how to make video games.

ok sorry. i guess daily motion took that erykah badu video down (hi rajbot)

anyway, these were posted on a My Little Pony message board and i am dying over here.

i always get freaked out when i see pictures of 12 year old thug wannabees holding up guns on the internet so one holding up a My Little Pony in the same menacing fashion is so awesome. i hope he is for real.

well i posted classic rap album covers done in ms paint and then i saw these rock ones on flickr. the trout mask replica one cracks me up.

and here’s one i forgot to add to the other post

i’m glad we have SF Sketchfest for giving me the opportunity to gorge on seeing some of my favorite comedians live. last night i saw jon benjamin and eugene mirman with bob odenkirk, michael showalter from the state (eh), and tim & eric and i laughed for days. i love jon benjamin. he calls into my favorite talk/comedy radio show on wfmu as odd characters sometimes alongside jon wurster and listening to those guys make my day, they’re so frickin’ funny. after zack rogue performed a few sulky poignant acoustic songs, benjamin said something about using that last song for a jerk-off mixtape he made and i cry-laughed so hard. it was fun to see his act in person and i have a new appreciation for his comedy partner eugene mirman. tim and eric showed a fake absolut vodka ad they made with zack galifinakis that ruled. i missed mike birbiglia’s set who i’ve mentioned here before cuz he was added last minute. :( i wished the stupid mezzanine allowed cameras.

speaking of ms paint, i found these a long time ago on the internet and i guess i never posted them here. they are bad but really good. i appreciate them. i think my favorite is the slick rick and the LONS one. the Mobb Deep one looks so laughably bad to me because Prodigy looks catatonic and Premier’s wonky eye in the “Moment of Truth” one cracks me up.

sorry to my friends who have seen these a million times

This made me laugh

Loudspeaker Karaoke Scares Conn. Teacher
1 day ago

ROXBURY, Conn. (AP) — Karaoke can be scary, but threatening? A school custodian’s impromptu after-hours karaoke performance prompted a police response when a teacher thought she was being threatened over the loudspeaker.

State police say the teacher at Booth Free School barricaded herself inside a classroom Wednesday when she mistook someone singing a Guns N’ Roses song over the public address system for a threat.

She was working after hours and thought no one else was in the building. Then she heard someone say over the loudspeaker that she was going to die.

Six troopers and three police dogs showed up and found three teenagers, one of them a custodian at the school, who had been playing with the public address system.

Police say one of them sang “Welcome to the Jungle” into the microphone. The song contains the lyrics “You’re in the jungle baby; you’re gonna die.”

The teenagers were cuffed for about 15 minutes while police investigated. They didn’t realize anyone else was in the school at the time. No charges will be filed, said state police Sgt. Brian Ness.

this right here is probably the funniest thing young has ever done. young is the type of person who thinks he’s funnier than he actually is, so i am really proud of him for once succeeding in an attempt to be funny all the while staying true to his stifling annoying attributes.

somewhat related

9:41 AM me: when i was in the middle of that text message to you talking about emma’s dad’s homemade sausages smelling so good, it was my turn to bowl so i left my phone on the table. brian and katie saw it and thought wtf? like i was texting **** about sausages smelling good and they thought it was some kind of weird sexual thing

9:43 AM Young: HAHAHAHAHA

that’s hilarious

me: i know

they were looking at me weird when i came back to the table after i bowled

9:44 AM Young: aww, i wish i went

me: i had to convince them that i was texting you about real food

hi, i’m taking a break in the desert. here’s a belated birthday gift i made for my favorite mexican

today i saw the video for Sensual Seduction and i laughed and i laughed.

GOTTDAMN i must really be a simpleton if this is cracking me up.

below is the RSS feed for www.isitchristmas.com

i read on an acquaintance’s blog recently that he saw neil hamburger and he laughed so much that the next day it felt like he did 1000 sit-ups. i can relate. my friend forwarded this to me today and i think i’m gonna have a laugh hangover tomorrow. real heads understand how funny this is to me right now

please be real, lawyer dog.

he looks like richard gere to me.

do you want to laugh? okay.