*spider-man 3 spoilers*

i finally got around to watching the spider-man 3 and it was so disappointing and painful. i don’t know what sam raimi was thinking with some of his decisions. it reached a whole new level of cornball even for a summer blockbuster, so cringeworthy during some points that i had to close my eyes like i always do during the bathtub scene in the shining. i’ve always liked peter parker because he’s always suffering and awkward and i loved the romantic story with MJ the girl next door. he’s like the most sympathetic and human super hero i can think of: dirt poor, hyper-sensitive, hopeless romantic, pathetically goofy but badass & engaging when he’s on a winning streak. but so many of his sympathetic attributes were portrayed so heavy handed and cheesy that i couldn’t handle it in this one. i couldn’t take all the close up scenes of parker crying. it didn’t make him sympathetic at all, it’s like they knew the qualities that made parker likable and exploited the hell out of it, putting him through the wringer every 5 minutes and making him weep and having everyone and every little thing rip his heart to shreds. there were so many moments where it felt like raimi forgot how to give his characters depth and reverted to evil dead camp, which i do enjoy, but only works on a small budget scale and with bruce campbell (and only him) hamming it up. i couldn’t get into it, all these cartoony moments of turmoil and rock-bottomness. it was such a cheap and transparent way to tug on the heartstrings. also, i’m usually down for stories that warn about the dangers of complacency but not when hedonistic peter looked like this DB:

i can’t stand that jared leto guy and his horrible horrible band of posturing jerkoffs. also seeing this made me realize what a lame villain venom is. seriously, he is the worst and so overrated. i can’t believe i thought venom was a good villain at one point. what the hell. venom seems so dated like when you played tony hawk and rage against the machine was blaring as the soundtrack and you thought you were so awesome. maybe it’s a 20-something thing. i hope they wise up and dr. connors finally turns lizard in the next one. it’s better when parker’s mentors turn evil cause it takes the whole idea of “kill yr idols” to an entertaining and explosive level of emotional conflict. the most redeeming thing about this spider-man was the convincingly stoic sandman and the brief bruce campbell cameo. i hope raimi learns from his mistakes for the next one because i believe he has the smarts to deliver quality big budget entertainment that isn’t on some crappy waterworld kevin costner in waterproof leather underpants bullshit. even more smarts and sense then his fellow successful splatter-comedy classmate peter jackson with lord of the rings. i thought spider-man 1 & 2 were pretty good and that his creativity and wit still shined through all that cgi stuff.

there is a bright side that has nothing to do with spidey. when i got home i decided to look through a couple volumes of my marvel universe set from ‘83 and when i got to the K-M volume, i came across this hilarious character named Lockjaw:

yeah…it’s a 1200lb bulldog with a fu manchu/cop moustache and little antennae and has the ability to teleport. i love it. i know there must have been many clouds of smoke in the Marvel offices during that time, but this…this is a huge accomplishment. here’s another picture of Lockjaw which looks like he’s using the subway train as a formidable weapon against The Thing but it’s probably just a steal beam. i want to believe it’s a subway train but that doesn’t make sense. then again, a teleporting bulldog with a moustache doesn’t make much sense either

the discovery of Lockjaw almost makes the $15 i paid to see spidey in imax worth it cause i wouldn’t have been motivated to go through these issues again

what the hell? my company blocked flickr under the category sex today. i was going to blog about the 3rd Annual Tamale Day that my friend serg and miro puts together where a whole mess of us get together with a whole mess of beer and rap and make over 200 tamales. all my photo documentation is over there. so you get this generic goggled image of a pre-steamed tamale for now.

stupid firewall. i guess i can see how pictures of food can be sexy, but still.

One of my least favorite news anchors people in the world resigned from KTVU this week which makes me so happy because she had one of the most annoying deliveries and facial expressions i have ever witnessed on the news. Whenever she was covering a “sad” story she was would make a sad pouty face and seriously would sigh between every other word to express her disappointment. If she was reporting an “uplifting” piece she would would have this huge grin on her face, her eyes would widen and she’d raise her eyebrows really really high like she was a toddler at disneyland. please see my graphic below

she also would deliver in this weird sing songy way with unnatural and forced inflections that drove me crazy. apparently, one of the reasons she resigned was because the station didn’t stick up for her when the Oakland Tribune wrote a column mocking her style. she is going to move Colorado and is planning to make a documentary about “the state of the news today.”

ha, i’ll be sure to check that out

I guess am so conditioned to the A’s playing dead in the postseason, that i am not even mad or surprised that the Tigers swept them. Having a weak showing in October is almost like a tradition now. I guess if the Mets don’t fare well, then i am rooting for the Tigers by default because I can’t stand the boring ass Cardinals. Who would have imagined that Detroit would make it this far? Crazy

god i am so excited

link

black suit and that guy from wings as sandman. and venom is in here somewhere. jesus.
i heart peter parker 4-ever, i heart sam raimi 4-ever.
too bad i have to wait another year.

sidenote: i realized recently that i think kevin spacey is terribly annoying.

i also found out that m. night shyamalanam or whatever has another damn movie out and wish he would go away so i wouldn’t see another trailer that starts out with “From the brilliant mind of M. Night Shymamalamam…” i am starting to find that there are others out there that find him and his movies as unbearable as I do…

there’s that american epxress ad with him that makes me want to throw up. his daydreaming is just so imaginative and brilliantly spooky. in case you didn’t know, that is what masterful geniuses do. they daydream half-horror/halfwannabe-hitchcock shit in expensive restaurants until some sycophantic nut interrupts them for their autograph and they graciously oblige and smile complacently into the distance.

in case you want to throw up yourself, here you go:

i wish this guy would go away.

I watched this last night. This is basically what happens in it:

Dude, Jason quitting has caused an avalanche in my soul and now my inner rock god is trapped in this dark & snowy cave due to a bunch of boulders blocking the exit. Even taking my various $400,000 choppers for joyrides hasn’t been cutting it.

“Yah, me too. I haven’t been able to enjoy buying million dollar paintings that i can’t explain why i like, outside of the fact that they are expensive. We should hire a therapist/’performance enhance coach’ that charges us a ridiculous rate to help us get though our insular wealthy rocker self-pity.”

[enter Phil Towle, therapist/performance enchancement coach & part-time parrothead]

:
“Lars, James – You two are Metallica. Jason is not. Metallica is good. Repeat after me. Metallica is good. Metallica is good. Metallica is good.”

:
(In unison) “Metallica is good. Metallica is good.”

:
“Now go have a killer jam session! Metallica is good!”

[jam session at expensive studio]

:
“Lars what the fuck are you doing on the drums?”

:
“FUCK YOU! I’m trying to make this song more interesting and want to do that with experimental rhythms.”

:
“It’s way off and awkward sounding. Can’t you find the beat?”

:
(voice wavering) “Guys…please stop fighting. Your arguing is keeping me from totally shredding on this solo. I don’t know what to do with myself if I can’t shred!”

[therapy session #2]

:
“Lars totally sucks at drums. I’ve held back on saying this for decades. I wish we could have kicked this one-trick loser out, but he invented Metallica.”

:
(In James’s Face) ” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!

:
“You guys need to let it all out. You guys need to chanel Saint Anger,
if you will.

:
“ROCK n’ ROLL!!”

:
“Great! Now let’s go over the invoice for my performance enhancement services.”

I got hit by a car this morning. This stupid businesswoman in a luxury SUV was yapping on her cell while I was crossing the street at Market & Beale on my green walk light. She wasn’t paying attention and did not brake on her stop light until really late and hit me on the left side. It wasnt bad enough where I got knocked down and I don’t think i broke anything, but my knee is all swollen and sore. Bitch was so fucking oblivious, she almost drove into traffic.

Anyway, I think this is Yuppie Bitch Karma or something because I was making fun of this lame picture of Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom all work day yesterday and the woman who hit me had the KGN thing going on.

She really does have a Ms. Pacmanly mouf.

Ever since I criticized Tom Cruise’s thespian chops, Tom Cruise lovers everywhere have been getting in my face with Magnolia this and Rainman that. NO. I am not convinced yet and more damage has been done with Top Gun airing on cable TV this past weekend. There is this scene where he’s hanging out with Kelly McGillis. Otis Redding comes on the radio and all of a sudden he closes his eyes and makes this fake Tom Cruise-y emotional gas face and murmurs “This song….this song is magic.” It was so apparent that he was not feeling that song. But because he closes his eyes and whimpers that it’s “magic”, I am supposed to believe he likes Otis Redding? No, I believe he likes Steve Perry.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that Tom Cruise talking about music in his movies is terribly funny and I am going to compile a video of filmclips in Final Cut where he talks about music and I am going to post it on this site and hand it out to Tom Cruise fans. YOU WILL BE APPALLED. But you will also laugh. Trust me.

I know a lot of people are not going to agree with me on this, but I think Tom Cruise is a terrible actor. I watched Collateral. Despite Cruise really stinking it up, I thought it was suspenseful. I liked Michael Mann’s other movies like Manhunter, Heat and The Insider. He makes LA look ethereal and the texture of his films comes off really saturated and glowing. Even when there’s tons of violence in some of his movies, he still manages to piece the picture gracefully. I’m not mad at him. I can understand why he casted cash cow Tom Cruise.

But I can’t picture him as a villain, or a hitman for that matter. He doesn’t have that much range and when he’s going for emotion, it’s just a bad case of overacting. Cruise reads his lines like he’s rattling off his “to do” list. He’s got no soul. There’s a really painful part where he’s trying to “explain jazz music” to Jamie Foxx’s character. I couldn’t help but laugh, it was so unconvincing when he was talking about Dexter Gordon and Miles Davis. “You gotta learn to listen behind the notes…” and then he starts snapping his fingers “…it’s all about improvisation.”

Dude is so overrated.